Velocity and satisfaction are two words that could easily crop up in any discussion of Shed’s amorous activities with the village postmistress. She has told him that she would like a bit less of the first and a bit more of the second but, as Shed rather cruelly reminds her, beggars can’t be choosers. What with her and Gladys the Violin battling for his gritty attentions he doesn’t want to spread himself too thinly, a fate that would in a very literal sense befall him if Mrs Shed ever found out. 

If you believe national stereotypes, the French have traditionally been known for their lovemaking skills, but Shed doesn’t think that was the rationale behind the name of this week’s shed, a Renault Vel Satis. He does know however that Velocity and Satisfaction were the words (or the French versions of those words anyway) that Renault’s name-choosers squidged together to make Vel Satis. Better than the Studebaker Dictator or the Mitsubishi Lettuce, but not by much. 

This is only the third VS to appear in Shed of the Week. The last one here, unearthed by Shed nearly eight years ago, was from 2002, the first year of manufacture. That shed had the same 3.0-litre diesel six engine as this one, and it was an Initiale too, the mid-spec model between the peasant-spec Expression and the nob-spec Privilege. It differs from this week’s offering in that it hasn’t been seen in an MOT tester’s premises since November 2015, when it gavotted through with no advisories. Either someone’s mothballing it for an unlikely future financial gain or it has permanently mothballed itself. The other Vel Satis shed, another ’02 car (and yet another 3.0 diesel) stopped turning up to the test station in 2014, again after a largely spotless previous career. 

Today’s 2004 VS also steamed through its MOT with no comments in March this year, so let’s hope this isn’t another prelude to a sudden departure from the roads because there aren’t many of these left trundling about the UK, fifty maybe and certainly not more than a hundred. Quite an attrition rate when you realise they made over 60,000 of them. There again, fewer than 1,300 of those made it across the Channel, Renault UK having said ‘no more ta’ in early 2005, not even halfway through the eight-year production run. That makes our shed one of the last to be imported here. 

Why did we Brits not like it? Sure, it’s ugly, but as one style guru said it was probably not ugly enough. Still, even today the Espace-chassised Vel Satis would make a lot of sense as a family wagon if you can look past its drawbacks. The Isuzu-sourced 3.0-litre DCI generated 180hp and 257lb ft at 1,800rpm, enough for a 130mph top whack and an official combined figure of 32.5mpg, which all sounds fine. You could get 2.0-litre petrol or 2.2-litre diesel Vel Satises if you were buying either the bottom or top spec but the Initiale was only available with the bigger oil burner you see here or with a 245hp/243lb ft 3.5-litre V6 petrol which chugged fuel at an official average rate of 24mpg, or under 20mpg in the real world.  

The DCI’s cambelt was on a leisurely 5yr/100k replacement schedule, which again sounds good, but it was an expensive job when it did come around. This might explain the demise of the other two VS sheds mentioned here and also the low-sounding price of £1,785 for today’s car, which is quoted on the ad as having 98,000 miles but which we know has done slightly more than that, 101,736 being the figure noted by the tester in March. 

It’s been accumulating miles at the miserly rate of a thousand or so per year since 2018, again suggesting some sort of investment plan or possibly embarrassment at being seen out in it. The auto box’s inclination to hunt around endlessly for the right gear might be another reason, as might an oddly harsh ride which took everyone by surprise at the time, given Renault’s theretofore good reputation in the suspension department. Injectors and EGR valves gummed up and fuel pump solenoids failed. The electronic handbrake played up and the air con pipework rarely held together. 

On the plus side there was a humongous boot, a not-bad Carminat sat nav and clever cutaways in the front seat backs to give those luxuriating in the rear a better view of the road, restaurant or burlesque show ahead. The cabin was very nice actually, especially with the alder wood trim. As Shed reported previously, alder has been used by Fender for its Stratocaster guitars for three-quarters of a century and by Venetians for a lot longer than that to stop their houses sinking. 

You can sort of see why French taxi drivers unconcerned about the comfort of their fares used Vel Satises. The President de France did too, although that would have been a political choice. Times have changed and not many folk will today be looking for a distinctively French vehicle of uncertain purpose that’s powered by a 3.0 six, albeit a diesel. Even so, if you want to be different it seems well worth un punt at this money, especially if the price includes the ‘private’ registration plate, which it presumably does. Apres vous, Claude.